Gratitude

Embracing the nature of Reality

It took me a while to get to this place, presence with gratitude, gratitude in presence. Years and years…I felt anger towards those who would say, “you just need to be grateful”. Fuck You, how can i be grateful for this pain i’m in? I was resistant, defiant to these words. That’s it…they were just words, the meaning unknown and out of reach…a fairy tale and fantasy. I didn’t know how to get there & yet i could see other people be in this space, the bliss of gratitude and acceptance. How was it possible…why couldn’t I feel it?

It wasn’t real for me, the authentic relationship absent. I would roll my eyes & the sarcasm of hippy bullshit would come. A safe place for me, making fun of that which i didn’t understand. The sarcasm and humor covering the anger and sadness I felt by not knowing this space, feeling less than because I was unable to feel gratitude for what was, what is. I was in pain, I was in victim mode. I would tell myself it was easy for someone else because they didn’t have my life experience…they couldn’t possibly know or understand and have experienced real pain and heartbreak. It was my pain, precious & unique. I stayed clinging to that pain because it was familiar, feeling sorry for myself because only I knew. That was the wall, the barrier, believing i was separate & special in this place of heartbreak. If i was going to experience gratitude, I had to let go of that story, release it and stop identifying with it. Fear would come up…it was scary to have nothing to hold on to. It felt uncontrollable and unattached, untethered. Would I fly off? What was my identity without the story of an exquisite unique pain that made me special? The questions of “who am I…what will I be if I am not that?”, swirled round in my mind…keeping, preventing me from feeling. Oh that crazy maze and labyrinth of the mind & imagination…outdated software still running, protecting me from stepping into my body & actually feeling what I was so afraid of.

So, what shifted for me? Feeling sadness and anger and fear and then the joy came in. First off, it was necessary to feel these trapped emotions, trapped in my body & causing physical pain. The disconnection real & undeniable. I was unable to run from it…unable to make-up and justify a story, a victim story. It was my responsibility, no one was coming to save me.

Authentic Gratitude came, is still unfolding, with making the conscious decision to transition from my fantasy world to reality. The clinging nature of a false sense of safety in isolation led by a child ego state…it was my story (and belief) I was safer & ‘happier’ creating my reality from my mind & imagination & staying there, protecting it & getting lost in it…sharing, co-creation & collaboration absent. That is the distinction…reality includes other Beings & their unique imagination & desire to create…bringing more than my imagination could ever come up with on its own. That’s the thing, reality will always be different from my imagination. There is a letting go process…a surrender to the unknown & trust. This involves transforming fear…the Adult in me, stepping up & leading the way. I can maintain a loose grip, knowing when to keep boundaries when something is vital, important & that I care deeply about AND listening to another Being & what is valuable to them…feeling them…dancing to co-create something new…taking turns leading. This is only possible with Trust.

Feeling is life…all of the feelings, including the ‘unpleasant’ ones. I have a sense of gratitude for them now. When I am not actively resisting the contractive space, it doesn’t last as long. It’s manageable. The contraction is necessary for the expansion. You want to get to the joy, the love, the happiness & bliss? Feel the pain, really feel, in your body. All of that past gunk…the fear, the anger, the sadness…needs to be released, needs to clear the way to enable a real experience of Joy. Know that it doesn’t last, and it does come back around. It is never absent, always there, always accessible. Just as the power of anger, the grounding experience of fear, and the connective quality of sadness are always there. This is part of being human, the human experience…delightful in all of its messiness & unknowns. Breath can be our example…there is no expansion without contraction. There is only Hell when we stay in the contractive space, and we are in Hell when we create & generate our reality from a contracted space. That is no longer viable. We know (in our mind), we have abundance, we have everything we need (speaking on a large scale of what the earth provides). Now is the time to live it & actualize it. It’s gonna take as many as possible to do this. We are not alone in doing this. We can do it step by step…it can take time…it may only transpire through generations. If we go back to and stay in scarcity (time, space, money)...we’re not really getting it. It’s ok for a quick visit…we can learn about what we do actually want & what is possible.

What’s blocking you from Gratitude? Is it physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual? Emotions and feelings are the key, coupled with imagination & meaning making of the mind…then it’s just taking steps in Reality…actually changing something in the present moment. Steps are crucial for repatterning & reformatting…take it slow & gain a deep awareness AND share what you uncover & discover. We have time, we have fuel and an abundance of energy available to us, when we know how to ultilize it.